Date Four – The Self Soother

Lessons learnt from date three, meant that on date number four only soda water was consumed.  We met online and had planned to catch up a couple times, but due to changing work commitments I had to put him off for a number of weeks.  By this stage of Year of the Date, I was suffering from a little dose of dating fatigue so I made the date mid morning to limit the date time frame.

A recurring theme of tinder dates seems to be hearing about previous dating experiences.  Date Four had come up with specific geographical and professional requirements following a combination of failed dates.  These requirements include only dating women who lived inner city and had a high earning capacity.

Wow – what a way to limit to meeting your future partner!  When I pushed him more to expand on why, his true reason emerged.  He was concerned that women will only want him for his money!  Apparently he has more money than he can spend and for the next 20 minutes I heard what a struggle it is to spend his piles of cash.

Talking about money when you first meet someone is a turn off for me.  I’m not a women who is after someone to make me feel secure via money, I earn my own coin and can support myself financially to buy whatever I need.

After the hearing about his spending struggles, I learnt that he was a self soother and by self soother I mean a masturbater.  He had recently ended a relationship and to help himself sleep, he masturbates at 10 pm each night and then hugs a pillow to sooth himself off to dreamland.

Not embarrassed about his self soothing behaviour, he later told me another story about how his neighbour knocked on his door one night and caught him madly masturbating.  Now everyone masturbates right, I just don’t think we all bring it up in conversation within an hour of meeting someone new.

Perhaps he can use his self soothing techniques to assist with him with the disappointment of me not wishing to see him again…. but please sir, don’t use me as your inspiration.

The search continues……

 

Date 3 – Keeping the purity pledge

Valentines day, what does it mean to you?  Is it a day of romance, roses and champagne or a commercialised, overpriced fake holiday?  For me, it’s the latter, romance should occur on any random day, not forced on one day a year.

This ‘year of the date’, a Tinder chap boldly asked to meet me on this world-wide forced day of romance.  The plan was to meet up after work at a city park, where he would arrange to prepare a picnic of wine and snacks.

The weather put a sweaty dampener on this plan.  It was the kind of day that you work up a full body sweat, just by simply blinking.  So the summer heat and 80% humidity pushed us indoors to an air-conditioned pub, where many beverages were consumed.

Conversation flowed as easily as the bar staff pulled the beers.  When the pub closed we moved onto another venue and continued with the talking/drinking.  While he was having a comfort break, I overheard an older gentlemen’s conversation to his friend, particularly the line ‘it is the biggest regret of my life’.  I was sucked in straight away and given my tipsy state asked him what is this regret?

Turns out, when he was 9 years old he had the biggest crush on a girl in his class and this continued through to high school.  They both went their separate ways after finishing school, but he always thought about her and even though he got married (3 times!) no other women compared.

They randomly bumped into each other recently and she told him she has always fancied him.  This literally crushed him to know if he had of been confident and honest when he was younger, he could have had the girl of his dreams.

Old mate and his friend chatted to us for a round or two and then we left the establishment and had a few little (and big) pashes on the street.  We both expressed that we had a great time and then he expressed his desire to take things further back to his bedroom.

If this had of been a random Friday night encounter, it would have been an easy yes decision.  He’s a fit, cute rugby man with a pretty decent kissing ability.  But given it is Year of the Date, the focus is on dating and not one nighters, I politely declined and we headed off to our own homes.

While we both said we had a great time, neither of us have contacted each other again to arrange other date.  I did feel an attraction and it was a fairly successful date, but a good Irish lad I know says he is keen he will make an effort and contact me, so …….

the search continues

 

Wisdom from this dating experience includes:  1) don’t drink and date,  2) don’t date on hot & humid days when you know this weather makes you horny and 3) Old mate advice for the young men out there is ‘if you really feel something, say something’.

 

 

 

 

 

You gotta give good to get good (conversation, that is)

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What’s the best opening line on an online dating app? Perhaps a joke, an interesting question, a witty remark or just an observation?

Here are some of the gems I’m experiencing:

  • Hey sexy
  • Now there’s a tigress…
  • Hey you are really stunning, I’m free call me 04xx xxx xxx
  • I think we’d look great together
  • How are you?
  • How’s your week been?
  • Great smile
  • Where are you?
  • I see we have matched, so I thought I would break the ice and say hello
  • What’s your deal?
  • What are you up to?
  • Some version of my favourite type of  joke (which I mention in my profile)
  • And one of my personal favourites……If we were cooking a pizza together, would we be adding pineapple or not adding pineapple?

It’s hard to make the first move and it’s hard to convey humour over text, so, gentlemen, keep trying your best. Some have really made me laugh and some I’ve really tried to make the best of.

The search continues…

Date 2 – I’m a talker not a stalker

TRSI – Tinder Repetitive Swipe Injury could occur if you continuously swipe ‘Nope‘ to what is on offer within the application.  To combat this injury health experts recommend that on occasion you should swipe ‘Yes‘ to exercise the finger muscles in another direction.

To avoid developing this injury, I lower my tinder expectations and swipe ‘Yes’ on occasion.  This helped me secure date two last week.  We bonded by discussing the indie alternative music scene in the 90’s and he suggested meeting up for a drink.

My expectations were set to low as a means of helping to avoid disappointment, and this is also probably why I hung around the pub and 40 minutes waited for him to turn up – he was late due to bad traffic.

After finally arriving, he didn’t inquire if I parched from waiting for so long or offer any form of hydration, he just purchased only himself a beverage and sat down.  He then proceeded tell me about this hot ‘model’ looking women he was talking to on tinder.

He was having trouble understanding why she was holding back on telling him personal information about herself.  This frustrating him, so he decided to use the internet to inquire about her – you know, a few google image searches and Facebook checks, but oh no….he’s not stalker.

So he wasn’t a stalker, but wow he was a talker.   This what I learnt about him:

  • works in recruitment, helping unemployed people find jobs.
  • parents divorced when he was 8 years old and he only saw is father about 9 times after he left the family.
  • his father recently died.
  • his mother never remarried.
  • went to a good private school.
  • he has 2 sisters and a brother.
  • one of his sisters lives in the city.
  • he has a niece and nephew.
  • he is teaching his niece the guitar.
  • likes to learn a new song each week on his guitar.
  • owns his own place.
  • surfs as much as possible.
  • doesn’t like camping.
  • likes to go on snowboarding holidays.
  • doesn’t like to on holidays in 3rd world countries.
  • the majority of his friends are divorced and now have new girlfriends they meet through Tinder.
  • he saw the red hot chilli peppers in the 90’s and was disappointed in their stage presence.
  • regrets never having seen the band Sound Garden live in concert.
  • once he could have hooked up with one of his mates ex girlfriends but he felt weird about it so he didn’t.
  • was into Ecstasy in the 90’s but hasn’t taken drugs for years.
  • driving makes him nervous and so he drives like a Nanna.
  • he is an introvert and isn’t sure if he wants to change his life and ways for a women.

He managed to convey quite a lot about his life in the 2 hours we spoke but by far his most interesting trait was……that he doesn’t like dogs.  Who the fuck doesn’t like dogs?!?!  He thinks they are a dirty animals and if people let them into their houses that they should wipe their bottoms before they come inside.  I seriously laughed out loud at this suggestion.  Although, on reflection there could be a great business idea in that …. doggie wipes or puppy poo paper….what do you think?

After hearing his fascinating life story,  he asked out about my occupation and the suburb where I live.  Given the opportunity to finally speak, I told him that I’m not interested in seeing him again and departed to find a cab.

The search continues…….

Swipe Left if you wanna get out

Have you ever picked up on a night out and had it led to something more?  You’d probably get better odds on the Brisbane Lions making the final eight this year, than a long-term relationship evolving from a random bar hookup.

This leads to singles of today, using online dating sites for hookups or the search for the big L.  As it is #yearofthedate, I have reactivated my Tinder account to swipe away for dating potential.  The plan for Tinder use this year is to cut off the creeps straight away, don’t put up with the dirty talkers and catch up with anyone who seems reasonable.

Ah Tinder it never disappoints for entertainment.  Within 10 minutes of reactivating my account and swiping right on a few potentials, I had matched with two guys.  The first one got straight to the point and asked if I do ‘anal’!

Now there are two approaches in dealing with this question.  The first approach to say ‘Yes, I love anal.  I especially enjoy putting on my strap on and fucking guys up the arse’ – the aim of this is to freak them out, shut them up and move them on.  Saying this however backfired on me once, as I had matched with a dude that was obsessed with pegging.  Wow was he keen to peg again!  Let me stress, the best approach is to block this wanker straight away.

The second guy I matched with asked if he could come straight over to my house.  My head always screams ‘serial killer’ alert – inviting a stranger into your home doesn’t seem like a sensible idea and I’ve watched too many crime documentaries to make sure I double-check my doors are locked before I go to sleep at night.  However seriously when you think about it, inviting random tinder guys over for fun times isn’t that much different from all those one night stands we have all had.

Tinder should also come with a health warning, as the quality of men participating on that app makes a girl want to head straight to the RSPCA to purchase half a dozen abandoned cats.  To survive you need to have a good sense of humour and enjoy the weird array of profile photos these men choose to display in order to attract us women – my favourite photo so far has been of a single roll of toilet paper (why?)

What is the most attractive profile photo you have experienced on Tinder?

Random Encounter One – Pity Please

A National public holiday is the perfect time to have a few sips of your favour poison and dance your way around the hippest bar in the city.  People are super relaxed, out for a chat and a good time.

I celebrated the most recent public holiday with a very Aussie BBQ at a mates place.  Following some food and beers, we headed out to a local pub to continue celebrating the awesome country we are lucky to live in.  My feet were in a dancing mood and for the rest of the night I was ‘that girl’ on the dance floor, drunkenly moving to the rocking beats.

Towards the end of the evening, well actually to be honest it was early in the morning, a tall blonde man came over for a chat.  He worked in the Army, told me his goal in life was to be the Prime Minister and we owned the dance floor together.  As the bar was clearing out for the night, his Army mate joined us and we walked upstairs and out to the cab line.  Randomly he lived in the same suburb as me and we all shared a cab home.

They asked me come in for a beer and I thought – why not #yearofthedate.  Army man two offered me a beer and at this point I should have gotten up and ran.  Not that they were being creepy or sleazy but because their choice of music was Nickelback –     #iamamusicsnob.

Halfway through the beer and 3 Nickelback songs later, my eye caught the time and my body instantly decided it wanted to head home to my one true love – my bed.  So I stood up, said thanks for the beer, nice to meet you and headed out the door.

As I crossed the main road and headed in the direction of my place, I heard Army man two call out ‘Hey, wait up’.   When he caught up with me, he proceeded to tell me that he noticed me first on the dance floor but was too shy to approach me – oh cute.  This would have been the perfect time for him to lean in for a kiss, because lets face it, if a man is a greater kisser its kinda hard to say no to what would come next.

Unfortunately he must have missed that article in Maxium, as the kiss moment was replaced with ‘come back to my place for a bit of fun?’.  After saying ‘No thanks, I’m tired and it’s 5 am’, he moaned that I didn’t understand the situation.

‘Ok then…help me understand’ I said.

‘Ah well it’s been a while for me and you should really help me out’ he said.

I responded with ‘so I should have sex with you because you haven’t had it in a while? Sorry dude I don’t do pity fucks!’.

He turned and put his head down and slowly walked away.  Was this a missed opportunity for some random fun or did I make the right call?

As a side note, Army man two was a gym junkee.  He was huge and walked like a gorilla.  When I was sitting next to him on the couch, his arms and legs were very prickly.  He told me apparently when you go to the gym as much as he does, it helps to shave all your body hair off – wtf is this true?  What would have it been like to have sexy time with a prickly body?  I guess you would end up with something like pash rash all over your body?  Has anyone been in this situation?  Would love to hear about it…..

Date One – Is age a barrier?

Throughout my adult life I have lived by one rule when it comes to dating and relationships – don’t screw the crew.  Mainly because I want to be viewed as a professional at work, but also, I want to avoid being to topic of water cooler conversations.  This self-imposed rule was put to the test when a cute guy from work asked me out.

As it is #yearofthedate, its time to push through my normal boundaries and break a few rules…..so I said ‘yes’.  On a side note, I found him adorably cute and our paths in the office won’t cross much, both of which made it easier to break my rule.

We caught up one Friday night in January at a Mexican place we both enjoy.  He brought me dinner and I shouted the drinks.  Conversation was easy and we chatted about careers, past relationships, our mutual love of horror movies and travelling for around 6 hours.  It was a fun and easy date, clearly there was an attraction between us and we ended the night with a little kiss.

This was a nearly perfect dating scenario.  Attraction, easy conversation and loads of fun.  The only potential issue is his age – 23!  Is a 17 year age difference a big barrier for a relationship?  My friends would not call me an ‘ageist’ and they will tell you I do like the younger fellas, but are any of the following a reason to not go on another date with this guy:

  • He still lives at home with this parents and his mother still cooks and cleans for him?
  • He has just started his first job out of university and as such I assume I’m earning 3 to 4 times more cash than him?
  • He doesn’t have a car or a drivers licence?

So what do you think?  Should I head back out there for some Mexican with Mr 23?