Date Four – The Self Soother

Lessons learnt from date three, meant that on date number four only soda water was consumed.  We met online and had planned to catch up a couple times, but due to changing work commitments I had to put him off for a number of weeks.  By this stage of Year of the Date, I was suffering from a little dose of dating fatigue so I made the date mid morning to limit the date time frame.

A recurring theme of tinder dates seems to be hearing about previous dating experiences.  Date Four had come up with specific geographical and professional requirements following a combination of failed dates.  These requirements include only dating women who lived inner city and had a high earning capacity.

Wow – what a way to limit to meeting your future partner!  When I pushed him more to expand on why, his true reason emerged.  He was concerned that women will only want him for his money!  Apparently he has more money than he can spend and for the next 20 minutes I heard what a struggle it is to spend his piles of cash.

Talking about money when you first meet someone is a turn off for me.  I’m not a women who is after someone to make me feel secure via money, I earn my own coin and can support myself financially to buy whatever I need.

After the hearing about his spending struggles, I learnt that he was a self soother and by self soother I mean a masturbater.  He had recently ended a relationship and to help himself sleep, he masturbates at 10 pm each night and then hugs a pillow to sooth himself off to dreamland.

Not embarrassed about his self soothing behaviour, he later told me another story about how his neighbour knocked on his door one night and caught him madly masturbating.  Now everyone masturbates right, I just don’t think we all bring it up in conversation within an hour of meeting someone new.

Perhaps he can use his self soothing techniques to assist with him with the disappointment of me not wishing to see him again…. but please sir, don’t use me as your inspiration.

The search continues……


Date 3 – Keeping the purity pledge

Valentines day, what does it mean to you?  Is it a day of romance, roses and champagne or a commercialised, overpriced fake holiday?  For me, it’s the latter, romance should occur on any random day, not forced on one day a year.

This ‘year of the date’, a Tinder chap boldly asked to meet me on this world-wide forced day of romance.  The plan was to meet up after work at a city park, where he would arrange to prepare a picnic of wine and snacks.

The weather put a sweaty dampener on this plan.  It was the kind of day that you work up a full body sweat, just by simply blinking.  So the summer heat and 80% humidity pushed us indoors to an air-conditioned pub, where many beverages were consumed.

Conversation flowed as easily as the bar staff pulled the beers.  When the pub closed we moved onto another venue and continued with the talking/drinking.  While he was having a comfort break, I overheard an older gentlemen’s conversation to his friend, particularly the line ‘it is the biggest regret of my life’.  I was sucked in straight away and given my tipsy state asked him what is this regret?

Turns out, when he was 9 years old he had the biggest crush on a girl in his class and this continued through to high school.  They both went their separate ways after finishing school, but he always thought about her and even though he got married (3 times!) no other women compared.

They randomly bumped into each other recently and she told him she has always fancied him.  This literally crushed him to know if he had of been confident and honest when he was younger, he could have had the girl of his dreams.

Old mate and his friend chatted to us for a round or two and then we left the establishment and had a few little (and big) pashes on the street.  We both expressed that we had a great time and then he expressed his desire to take things further back to his bedroom.

If this had of been a random Friday night encounter, it would have been an easy yes decision.  He’s a fit, cute rugby man with a pretty decent kissing ability.  But given it is Year of the Date, the focus is on dating and not one nighters, I politely declined and we headed off to our own homes.

While we both said we had a great time, neither of us have contacted each other again to arrange other date.  I did feel an attraction and it was a fairly successful date, but a good Irish lad I know says he is keen he will make an effort and contact me, so …….

the search continues


Wisdom from this dating experience includes:  1) don’t drink and date,  2) don’t date on hot & humid days when you know this weather makes you horny and 3) Old mate advice for the young men out there is ‘if you really feel something, say something’.






Date 2 – I’m a talker not a stalker

TRSI – Tinder Repetitive Swipe Injury could occur if you continuously swipe ‘Nope‘ to what is on offer within the application.  To combat this injury health experts recommend that on occasion you should swipe ‘Yes‘ to exercise the finger muscles in another direction.

To avoid developing this injury, I lower my tinder expectations and swipe ‘Yes’ on occasion.  This helped me secure date two last week.  We bonded by discussing the indie alternative music scene in the 90’s and he suggested meeting up for a drink.

My expectations were set to low as a means of helping to avoid disappointment, and this is also probably why I hung around the pub and 40 minutes waited for him to turn up – he was late due to bad traffic.

After finally arriving, he didn’t inquire if I parched from waiting for so long or offer any form of hydration, he just purchased only himself a beverage and sat down.  He then proceeded tell me about this hot ‘model’ looking women he was talking to on tinder.

He was having trouble understanding why she was holding back on telling him personal information about herself.  This frustrating him, so he decided to use the internet to inquire about her – you know, a few google image searches and Facebook checks, but oh no….he’s not stalker.

So he wasn’t a stalker, but wow he was a talker.   This what I learnt about him:

  • works in recruitment, helping unemployed people find jobs.
  • parents divorced when he was 8 years old and he only saw is father about 9 times after he left the family.
  • his father recently died.
  • his mother never remarried.
  • went to a good private school.
  • he has 2 sisters and a brother.
  • one of his sisters lives in the city.
  • he has a niece and nephew.
  • he is teaching his niece the guitar.
  • likes to learn a new song each week on his guitar.
  • owns his own place.
  • surfs as much as possible.
  • doesn’t like camping.
  • likes to go on snowboarding holidays.
  • doesn’t like to on holidays in 3rd world countries.
  • the majority of his friends are divorced and now have new girlfriends they meet through Tinder.
  • he saw the red hot chilli peppers in the 90’s and was disappointed in their stage presence.
  • regrets never having seen the band Sound Garden live in concert.
  • once he could have hooked up with one of his mates ex girlfriends but he felt weird about it so he didn’t.
  • was into Ecstasy in the 90’s but hasn’t taken drugs for years.
  • driving makes him nervous and so he drives like a Nanna.
  • he is an introvert and isn’t sure if he wants to change his life and ways for a women.

He managed to convey quite a lot about his life in the 2 hours we spoke but by far his most interesting trait was……that he doesn’t like dogs.  Who the fuck doesn’t like dogs?!?!  He thinks they are a dirty animals and if people let them into their houses that they should wipe their bottoms before they come inside.  I seriously laughed out loud at this suggestion.  Although, on reflection there could be a great business idea in that …. doggie wipes or puppy poo paper….what do you think?

After hearing his fascinating life story,  he asked out about my occupation and the suburb where I live.  Given the opportunity to finally speak, I told him that I’m not interested in seeing him again and departed to find a cab.

The search continues…….

Swipe Left if you wanna get out

Have you ever picked up on a night out and had it led to something more?  You’d probably get better odds on the Brisbane Lions making the final eight this year, than a long-term relationship evolving from a random bar hookup.

This leads to singles of today, using online dating sites for hookups or the search for the big L.  As it is #yearofthedate, I have reactivated my Tinder account to swipe away for dating potential.  The plan for Tinder use this year is to cut off the creeps straight away, don’t put up with the dirty talkers and catch up with anyone who seems reasonable.

Ah Tinder it never disappoints for entertainment.  Within 10 minutes of reactivating my account and swiping right on a few potentials, I had matched with two guys.  The first one got straight to the point and asked if I do ‘anal’!

Now there are two approaches in dealing with this question.  The first approach to say ‘Yes, I love anal.  I especially enjoy putting on my strap on and fucking guys up the arse’ – the aim of this is to freak them out, shut them up and move them on.  Saying this however backfired on me once, as I had matched with a dude that was obsessed with pegging.  Wow was he keen to peg again!  Let me stress, the best approach is to block this wanker straight away.

The second guy I matched with asked if he could come straight over to my house.  My head always screams ‘serial killer’ alert – inviting a stranger into your home doesn’t seem like a sensible idea and I’ve watched too many crime documentaries to make sure I double-check my doors are locked before I go to sleep at night.  However seriously when you think about it, inviting random tinder guys over for fun times isn’t that much different from all those one night stands we have all had.

Tinder should also come with a health warning, as the quality of men participating on that app makes a girl want to head straight to the RSPCA to purchase half a dozen abandoned cats.  To survive you need to have a good sense of humour and enjoy the weird array of profile photos these men choose to display in order to attract us women – my favourite photo so far has been of a single roll of toilet paper (why?)

What is the most attractive profile photo you have experienced on Tinder?